J.D.: ‘What’s wrong with me?
‘Dr. Cox: ‘You’re an annoying, whining man-child.
‘J.D.: ‘That question wasn’t directed to you!
‘Dr. Cox: ‘What question?
Elliot: ‘I’m notifying all my old boyfriends today that I’m officially off the market.
‘Dr. Cox: ‘I’m sure the ‘pulse’ setting on your shower head will be devastated!
Bob Kelso: ‘If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that you can’t schedule love.
‘Dr. Cox: ‘I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.
Have you ever had a thought, that you didn’t immediately verbalize?
God, my brilliance is now becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me!
About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to ‘crash for a while’. Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john – which I guess is kind of nice, I don’t even know anymore.
Julie: ‘It has minimal side effects, only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.’Dr. Cox: ‘I’m getting two out of three from the conversation.
If you’re worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.
Did Santa finally bring you that Y-chromosome you always wanted?
Should I talk slower or get a nurse who speaks fluent Moron?
Carla, I have a six-month old child, I’m gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, ‘Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad’s grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is–is he taunting the little boy? No! He can’t even see the little boy, and, now look: he’s actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD.
Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.
Lemme see if I can make this real clear for you: If this hospital were a human body, you’d be the appendix, because at one time you served some function, but it was so long ago nobody’s quite sure what that was anymore.
Dr. Cox: ‘I hate you. You suck.’Elliot: ‘I know, but I’ve been trying harder.’Dr. Cox: ‘Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
Saying someone is the best surgeon, is like saying someone is the smartest cast member of ‘The Hills’.
Newsflash, you can’t drink and then come to work. You’re not airline pilots.
Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?
Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lensner? It’s regular-strength tylenol. Here’s what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that’s the correct dosage.
I’m gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.
I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
You have diabetes and you can’t eat cupcakes.
I don’t know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails, where you obviously, if not grew up then at least spent most of your summers, but you’re in the real world now. Nnnnn-kay?
Look! This whole groovy guidance counselor” thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy. I’m not that guy, you can go and ask anybody. Now, you’ve got to leave me alone, or I’ll punish you.”
Oh, this woman is just fantastic. I mean, the breasts are probably fake, but, by God, those tears are real!
You’re having a big day, there, Susan.
It’s impossible to actually lie next to Jordan. Seems as she sleeps hanging up-side-down from the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.